I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
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It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]