Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
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Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
quarantine day 3
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
He’s cranky this morning
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.