it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”