Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
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The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Crying is a sign of leakness.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.