I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
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When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.