When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
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Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.