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We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
cats when you pet them too long:
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Digital security in Ancient Troy
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.