Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
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Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.