Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
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SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
twitter users today:
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*
Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”