normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
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Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
My neck, my back, my…
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.