“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry