Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
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THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I went to the hardware store to buy a weedeater. There were 3 gas-powered, an electric, and a vegan who offered to eat the whole yard for $20.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Big Sex has us all fooled
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.