priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
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What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
termite twitter scares me
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.