I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
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if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.