I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
The cashier just checked me out.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.