Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
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Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.