{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
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Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means