Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
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I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
HR said no more nunchucks.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Mornin. * use accordingly
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
#ParentingFacts
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it: