Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
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“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.