INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
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If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell