Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
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[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.