Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
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Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[Guy goes on a date w me]
Hm not sure if he likes me
[13 more dates]
Dunno?
[Marries me]
It’s so confusing
[Stays w me 30 yrs]
How do u tell