Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
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Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake
me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming