My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
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[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said