Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
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Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Autocorrect completely socks
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name