I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
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When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?