The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
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[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.