*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.