Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
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them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Today I realised that fire engines don’t carry the water in the fire engine with them. Thought fire hydrants were an American thing. Didn’t realise we had them in the UK. I’m 36 and have two first class degrees
Message from the dog groomers
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.