[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
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*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
gm
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it