Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.