Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
You Might Also Like
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Shortcut
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.