My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
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*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
It be like that sometimes 😆
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Who knew!
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please