The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
You Might Also Like
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.