One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.