10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE