this is how life feels
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Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Good point.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground