[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
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Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent