My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
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fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.