date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
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I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Hmmmmm
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Spotted in New Orleans.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!