Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
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Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?