Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
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if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
How actors in movies eat their food
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.