“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
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The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
#NoRestForTheWicked
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed