I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
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I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.