I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
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the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
This fish is cracking me up
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
thinking about a very short hotdog
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work