A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
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So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home