What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
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My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR