I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
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My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.