I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?