The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
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*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.